Wise people often ask themselves this question in order to know themselves, but in order to find the answer to this question, they live a lonely life for many years and completely renounce the world. I don’t think it needs to be repeated, and I am convinced that the answer is inside, it will definitely be found. But you need to search both externally and internally, but, first of all, the answer to this question was given to me by intuition (the unconscious part of consciousness), because I asked her this question all the time. I didn’t want to hear such answers: «I don’t deserve to be happy», «My deeds in this life are over», «I have lost and will never be cured», and I received the answer that the Creator wanted and I am infinitely sure of this: «You you deserve to be happy!»,» You will prove to everyone!»,» You will defeat this disease and be cured!».
Peace, mercy and blessing of God be with you. Let me start with the name of God! And let me introduce myself.
My name is Narsha, I am Kazakh! My profession is a general practitioner lover (I have invented such a profession for myself). I have no higher education, but I studied in the professions of «psychology» and «philosophy». But I had to leave the university not because I did not want to study, but because I had a «serious illness.» I have been fighting a very negative, unpleasant disease for 5 years, and I am very confident that I will win this fight. Because there is no incurable disease. Both the disease and its cure were created. This is my first book that I write in English. I hope you will treat it with understanding, since English is not my thinking language, my thinking language is Kazakh and I’ll say right away that the book is experimental, the main thing I want to check is how interesting people are with my thoughts and spelling. I will correct it in the future, if necessary.
Mom had a bad dream, then I got very sick a few days later, then life changed dramatically and I was diagnosed with «Bad Illness» (this was in 2017), and then I started hanging around with doctors, they have no mercy and kindness, and then I started to lose interest in everything. I moved from place to place several times and experienced many difficulties. I completely forgot about entertainment, that they exist in life at all. But for five years I didn’t just look at the sky. Despite all these difficult times (stress, depression, aggression), I understood the most important thing: doctors will not help me and no one can help me now.
I didn’t care, there was nothing to lose. Maybe I still have a little life left and I wanted to devote the rest of my life to my loved ones in order to make them happy, to make them joyful, but this did not happen, I could not give others a feeling of happiness, my parents became even worse. But then I realized the most important thing: firstly, I cannot make others happy without making myself happy myself. At first I did not feel happy, and I realized that in such a state I was not needed by anyone. Secondly, I realized that I could not do anything useful and good for others without making myself happy and without defeating the disease on my own. In general, as you noticed, if a person is «bad» or «sick,» no one needs him.
I wanted to know more about types of diseases and general medicine. It became clear to me that it takes time and a lot of work to fight the disease, before that I could not solve the problem of time and motivation for this work, the problem of faith and hope, the problem of action. That is, I must decide what to do next.
In the first years it was not easy for me to adapt, but then I learned, mastered the tactics and methods of struggle in order to change myself and by the will of God I did it. But of course I’m still struggling… In general, my main dream was to have time to write a book.
I remember in childhood, my father told me: every day you write a diary, and then in 20—30 years it will become a book and you will have your own book of life. I told him: «The angels are writing on both shoulders, why should I take a steam bath?». But then I was only twelve, sometimes I regret not listening to my father just then, although these words made me think.
At the beginning there were such thoughts «I can find something even more useful than this occupation», «Isn’t it useless?». There were thoughts like «I can’t», «I am not feeling well». Then I thought: «Maybe this is fun, the most important thing does not hurt.» But I searched a lot, found all this knowledge and nevertheless wrote a book with my terrible English language for which I apologize initially. But I hope you understand the meaning and essence of my thoughts.
A year after my illness, I began to write a book, and even before I got sick, I had a diary, but to fight the illness I needed something serious – to write a book and not to deceive myself, not to amuse myself, «I decided to write a real book, in order to help myself, I will help myself, that means I will help others, at least I will bother loved ones less». This was my first voluntary (conscious) statement.
